"He paid her to stay quiet about his erectile issues."

That’s how he began his first therapy session with me.

A man in his late 30s. Divorced. Educated. Successful on the outside. But inside, he carried years of sexual anxiety, shame, and emotional trauma.

He had no prior sexual experience before marriage. His wife was his first.

Naturally, he felt nervous. He struggled with performance anxiety in the beginning.

But instead of support, he was met with ridicule. Worse — his wife used that information to emotionally blackmail him. “Buy me this bag or I’ll tell people you can’t perform.” “You’re lucky I haven’t told your friends yet.”

This dynamic lasted for years. He kept giving — emotionally, financially — just to avoid exposure. He became terrified of sex. Not because his body was failing him, But because his mind was conditioned to fear judgment.

And then came the divorce.
“He couldn’t satisfy me sexually.”
“He has dysfunction.”
“That’s why I want out.”

That very struggle — which she weaponised in private — became the reason used against him publicly.

She walked away with a huge alimony, social sympathy, and no accountability for the emotional abuse.

He walked away with shame, trauma, and distrust — of women, of sex, and of himself. If his partner had responded with empathy instead of ego, he could’ve healed.

If he had sought help earlier, he would’ve known — he’s not broken. He was simply human, scared, and unsupported.

As a Sex Therapist, here’s what I want more people to know:  
-Erectile dysfunction isn’t always about hormones or blood flow.

Often, it’s anxiety. Emotional neglect. Repeated shaming. And no pill can fix that. If something feels off — emotionally or sexually — don’t wait until it breaks you.

The right help, at the right time, can change everything. Let’s normalise sex therapy for men. Let’s stop equating masculinity with performance. Let’s hold space for stories like his — because they are far more common than you think.