Cheating, money fights, disagreements about family, intimacy struggles.
But after years of sitting across couples in therapy, I’ve learned something very different: --> It’s not the fight itself that damages the bond.
It’s the cycle underneath it.
Let me share a story.
A couple once came to me saying they fought about “everything”—from laundry to in-laws to sex. At first glance, it looked like a never-ending list of problems. But after listening closely, I noticed they were repeating the same conflict cycle. One partner would pursue (“We need to talk about this”). The other would withdraw (“Not now, I can’t deal with this”). The more one pushed, the more the other pulled away. Round and round it went. And here’s the catch: The issue was never really about the laundry or the in-laws.
It was about the pattern. The cycle. I often tell couples—“Your partner is not your enemy. The cycle is.”
Over time, I’ve recognized 4 such cycles that quietly eat away at intimacy:
1. Pursuer–Withdrawer
2. Criticism–Defensiveness
3. Attack–Attack
4. Stonewalling–Explosion
When couples finally see the cycle, everything changes. Because once you can name it, you can break it. So next time you find yourself asking, “Why do we fight about the same things again and again?”… Look deeper.
You may not be fighting your partner at all. You may just be fighting your cycle. Most couples fall into at least one of these patterns without even realizing it.
As a relationship therapist, I see these cycles in couples every week. The moment they recognize the pattern, everything shifts. Which one do you think is hardest to break?
[ Aashita Khanna, Relationship therapy, Couples therapy, Sex therapy, Conflict Style, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy ]
