I once worked with a couple who had an interesting pattern.
Every time the wife was angry, she didn’t express it in words. She simply stopped being sexual.
No fights, no discussions — just silence.
And that’s how her partner knew something was wrong.
As a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, I’ve seen this dynamic more often than you’d think.
When we start using sex to show anger, to withhold affection, or to “teach a lesson,” it stops being about connection — and starts being about control.
Sex becomes a silent weapon. And every time that happens, emotional distance grows a little more.
Now, it’s perfectly okay to not feel like being intimate when you’re angry or hurt — that’s human.
But what’s healthier is to communicate before you disconnect. To say, “I’m upset right now, and I don’t feel emotionally ready for closeness. Let’s talk about it later.”
That’s what emotional safety looks like. It keeps sex a space of trust, not tension.
Sex should never be a punishment. It should be a reinforcement — a way to reconnect, celebrate, and express warmth when things feel good between you. When you use intimacy as a reinforcement, it strengthens the bond. When you use it as punishment, it weakens it.
So the next time you’re angry, don’t let silence speak for you. Say what hurts. Communicate. That’s how both — love and desire — survive.
If you notice this pattern in your relationship, therapy can help you understand and rebuild healthier intimacy. I work with individuals and couples to create connection, not control. You can start therapy through Kama Health India — safely, confidentially, and at your own pace.
-Aashita Khanna
Clinical Psychologist (RCI) & Sex Therapist (USA)
Clinical Psychologist (RCI) & Sex Therapist (USA)
