What do you do when your partner's desires scare you, but you still want to try ?

A young couple, dating for six years and preparing for marriage, came to me seeking clarity.

On the surface, they were in love. But intimacy had slowly become a source of tension.

She had been experiencing painful penetrative sex for years. They had tried multiple times—once or twice managing to have intercourse—but it was never a pain-free or emotionally fulfilling experience.

Over time, the attempts stopped altogether. But that wasn’t the only concern. They also had very different sexual preferences.

Her ideas of intimacy were soft, affectionate, and deeply rooted in emotional connection. She leaned towards vanilla expressions of love.

He, on the other hand, felt aroused by more kink-based expressions—different positions, fantasies like hot-wifing, and a general sense of sexual exploration.

What’s important to note is that both partners were willing to try. She was open to explore. He was open to adapt.

But something kept getting in the way.

- Lack of emotional safety.

- Lack of trust.

- Lack of communication.

And that’s where therapy began—not with the “problem of sex,” but with the emotional foundation.

We worked on creating a space where both could speak without fear of judgment or shutdown.

Where vulnerability wasn’t punished, but held gently.

Where differences weren’t avoided, but navigated.

I share this not as a success story, but as a reflection of what modern couples are often navigating:

- Painful sex

- Mismatched preferences

- Shame around desires

- The absence of emotional safety to even talk about these things.

As therapists, we’re increasingly meeting couples who love each other, but feel lost around intimacy.

That’s why it’s no longer enough to work only with communication skills or “fix” sexual problems mechanically.

We need to understand how sexual preferences, trauma, pain, and emotional safety all interact.

And most importantly, we need to create therapeutic spaces where these conversations are welcome.

- Aashita Khanna
Clinical Psychologist (RCI) & Sex Therapist (AASECT, USA)

 #SexTherapy #CouplesTherapy #RelationshipTherapy #ModernLove #ClinicalPsychology #TherapistInsights #PainfulSex #MismatchedDesires #EmotionalSafety India